Both Sides of Triggers

Triggers can be both positive and negative. Some sources would disagree with that statement. Instead, they believe that triggers are only negative, but memories that stem from the five senses can be both or either, positive and negative. All memories are triggered by something in the present, something in your current environment. Our reaction to those memories determines whether the trigger was positive or negative. Memories may even give us positive and negative feelings at the same time.

What happened just before that memory that made you smile? Or laugh? Or cry? How many times have we listened to the radio and heard a song that reminds us of a special friend or a group of friends. Then we start singing along, allowing the positive memories to take over. There are also those songs that will always make us cry, reminding us of something or someone that is gone from our lives. While music can be a trigger, it can also be an outlet, to release our emotions.

Have you ever walked by someone and smelled their perfume or cologne? Did it remind you of someone in your life now or someone that used to be in your life? The memories may have been good and you automatically smiled. Or maybe the smell made you nauseous, the negative feelings, reminded by the odor. The smell of food can trigger those feelings too. Especially during the holidays, smells can remind you of your childhood. Memories of family cooking in the kitchen or arguing at the table. Creating mixed feelings toward the holidays, not knowing if the triggers will be positive or negative.

The smell or sight of flowers might bring out feelings that are both positive and negative. What if your partner used to receive flowers from their ex, every time they were late coming home from “work”. Or after an argument, shouting match. Maybe one partner hit the other and tried to make up for it with flowers. Now that person is with you and you want to do something special for them, surprising them with flowers. Their initial reaction, may not be what you expected. You walk in expecting a smile, instead they feel uneasy, maybe distrustful or angry.

Now their initial reaction, just triggered you. You did have an expectation when you gave your person the flowers. Now you have to choose your reaction to their reaction. Keep in mind, their reaction isn’t about you, it’s about their past. Communicate your reasons for giving your partner the flowers. Tell them how much you appreciate them, and give them examples. You will see the negative reaction slowly turn into a positive reaction, the next time they receive a gift from you. Don’t rush it, the positive reaction may take time.

It is possible for you to be negatively triggered by their initial reaction. You expected a smile and gratitude. You might feel gut punched from their reaction. You might react with anger, hurt feelings, maybe you feel unappreciated by their reaction. You choose to communicate those feelings to your partner. Creating a circle of negativity. In this scenario who’s walking on eggshells? Who’s feelings are more important? Why did this situation become about you, instead of your partner? Is there something in your past that caused you to react this way?

There is a third option that some people may react with. Triggered into shutting down, ignoring their initial reaction. Acting as if their initial reaction didn’t even happen. You give the flowers to your partner, and then you go watch television or mow the lawn. Anything but communicate. In some cases, you may not have even noticed their reaction to receiving flowers. Oblivious to their feelings, their trigger. In both of these scenarios, why give the flowers if their reaction doesn’t matter? Ignoring a situation doesn’t make it better. Being unaware of how your partner feels, does not describe a long term relationship.

Triggers are everywhere. Reactions come in all shapes and sizes. Positive and negative.

Were any of the scenarios familiar to you? Leave a comment and let me know. Next blog will be a wrap up of Triggers and more…..